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Fox, Robbie
So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)
What do you do when you suspect that the woman to whom you plan to say "I do" is a killer -- and that you could be her next victim? Charlie (Mike Myers), an avant-garde poet, proposes to a sweet-natured meat butcher named Harriet (Nancy Travis). But his best friend keeps pointing out the shocking similarities between the bride-to-be and an infamous murderer-at-large. Myers also stars as Charlie's scene-stealing Scottish father, Stuart.
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Fox, Robbie. So I Married an Axe Murderer
So I Married an Axe Murderer Script
FADE IN:
OPEN ON:
MONTAGE OF VARIOUS SHOTS OF SAN FRANCISCO - DUSK
Over this we hear a recording of Jack Kerouac’s poem, San
Francisco which is accompanied by a BE-BOP trio. Kerouac’s
poetry coincides with the various shots of San Francisco. We
come to a sign for Jack Kerouac Street. We PAN OVER to "THE
CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE" and continue along to the ALLEYWAY
where there is a large high-contrast black and white sign
depicting Jack Kerouac in his famous "I’m looking into the
distance, having a brilliant thought" pose...
CHARLIE MACKENZIE, in his late twenties, wearing a flannel
shirt and torn jeans, walks INTO THE FRAME, right in front
of the picture of Jack Kerouac and inadvertently strikes the
exact same pose. We PULL BACK to reveal that Charlie has a
bag of garbage in his right hand, which he deposits in the
alleyway. We FOLLOW Charlie into...
INT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE
We FOLLOW him through the store. By day he is the Assistant
Manager, by night he is a poet.
A MAN in his fifties, wearing a beret and a goatee is reading,
Charles Bukowski’s, Playing The Piano Like a Percussive
Instrument, Until Your Fingers Begin To Bleed A Bit.
Charlie takes his place behind the cash register and resumes
writing in his handsome leather-bound poetry journal.
CHARLIE
(sotto)
O’ SCOTLAND
YOUR SUCKLED TEET OF SHAME
CUSTOMER approaches.
CUSTOMER
Do you have the book On The Road by
Jack Kerouac?
Every day there is a steady stream of tourists who come in
to get copies of On The Road. Charlie is use to this and
without looking up he points to a huge, well marked display
of thousands of copies of On The Road. Another TOURIST COUPLE
approach.
TOURIST
Do you have a copy of On The Road by
Jack Kerouac?
Again not looking up, Charlie just points.
TOURIST
Thanks.
EXT. CITY LIGHTS BOOKSTORE - NIGHT
Charlie puts the "CLOSED" sign on the door and proceeds to
walk home.
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREETS
The sights and the sounds of the city are accentuated by the
BEBOP as he sees life, warts and all. As the streets become
less populated, he can now hear the sounds of his own
FOOTSTEPS and, a COUPLE BICKERING. The streets become even
more deserted. The night is closing in on him. A cat darts
out from an alleyway and startles him. He quickens his pace.
RUMBLINGS make him cross the street to avoid the danger.
Headlights of a slow moving car approach from the distance.
Charlie, frightened, turns another corner onto:
HIS STREET
He approaches a 3-story Victorian home, in which he has an
apartment on the second floor, he notices a light on in his
window. A CRASHING sound from within.
CUT TO:
HANDS
taking papers out of a desk drawer.
CUT TO:
CHARLIE
carefully opening the front door and then gingerly closing
it. He reaches for a baseball bat in a nearby umbrella stand.
Sound of BREAKING GLASS from his apartment upstairs.
CUT BACK TO:
SHATTERED PICTURE FRAME
with a photo of Charlie and an angelic blonde.
CUT BACK TO:
CHARLIE
finishing off the last two steps nearing the front door of
his apartment, bat raised above his head ready to swing.
CUT TO:
THE HANDS
clasp a jewelry box on the top of the dresser and stuff them
into a dufflebag; the jewelry is followed by CD’s.
CUT TO:
CHARLIE
pushing open his apartment door in a mock SWAT maneuver,
then stealthily stalking toward the sound of the intruder in
the bedroom. He stubs his toe on a spring loaded doorstop
making a loud metal VITTSWINGGGG’s sound. He freezes,
terrified.
CUT TO:
THE BEDROOM
where the HANDS, freeze.
CUT BACK TO:
CHARLIE
Like a coiled jungle cat ready to pounce, waits two beats...
then springs Samurai style into...
THE BEDROOM
He freezes.
REVERSE ANGLE TO REVEAL
that the HANDS belong to the angelic blonde in the broken
picture. It’s Charlie’s girlfriend, SHERRI.
CHARLIE
Sherri! What are you doing?
SHERRI
I’m leaving you.
CHARLIE
Oh, thank God... I thought you were
robbing our own home, because frankly,
that’s insane. I mean, what could
you possibly gain by robbing your
own home? I don’t mean to meddle,
but isn’t it better to rob other
peoples’ homes? Start accumulating
their wealth as opposed to just
reaccumulating your own wealth.
SHERRI
That’s not funny, Charlie. I’m really
leaving.
She continues to pack. Charlie tries to unpack her things.
CHARLIE
What?! Just because we had a fight
last night?
SHERRI
We’ve had a fight every night for
two months. Ever since I brought up
the subject of marriage, you’ve found
fault with everything I do. Why
couldn’t we have gotten married,
Charlie?
CHARLIE
(beat)
I’m too young to get married.
(begins putting her
things back)
I’m only twenty-nine and a half. We
love living together.
SHERRI
It’s been two years now. I need
something more.
CHARLIE
See, Sherri, this is frustrating for
me, okay. When we first started going
out I thought we agreed that we
weren’t the sort of people who got
married.
SHERRI
That’s like saying we’re not the
sort of people who are going to grow
old. We’re not going to fall into
that "growing old" trap. Face it,
you’ve got a problem with commitment,
Charlie. Take a look at your other
girlfriends. Every time you get close
to a commitment there’s something
wrong with them.
CHARLIE
Hey, I broke up with them for good
reasons.
SHERRI
What about Sandy?
CHARLIE
Sandy was an alcoholic.
SHERRI
No-no-no. You thought she was an
alcoholic. She just drank more than
you drank. What about Jill?
CHARLIE
She hated my family.
SHERRI
You thought she hated your family.
Nobody hates your family. Everybody
loves your family. What about Julie?
CHARLIE
She smelled like soup.
SHERRI
What does that mean?
CHARLIE
She smelled exactly like Campbell’s
Beef Vegetable soup. She was dirty,
physically dirty.
SHERRI
Well, Charlie, I wonder what you’re
gonna say were my problems? Are you
gonna tell your friends that I was a
junkie, that I wasn’t supportive
enough or that I smelled like relish?
Charlie, I loved you. It could have
worked out.
(she goes to the door)
Think about it.
She leaves.
ANGLE ON - THE BROKEN PICTURE
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - CHARLIE’S CAR - DUSK
Charlie and his best friend, TONY SPILETTI, are out for a
night on the town.
Tony is second generation Italian-American with very
Mediterranean features. They’re listening to Teenage Fan
Club. They pass Ghierardeli Square.
CHARLIE
Tony, Teenage Fan Club, they’re
Scottish you know?
TONY
Oh.
CHARLIE
I had that dream again.
TONY
Oh, is that the one where you suspect
that a fat man in a diaper, on a
lazy susan has interfered with your
plans for the evening?
CHARLIE
No, but I have had that one. No, in
this one I’m in love...
TONY
Yeah.
CHARLIE
And I say to myself, ’I’ve finally
found somebody that I’m truly
comfortable with.’ You know when
you’re so comfortable that you’ll
let them put makeup on you to see
what you would look like if you were
a girl. Anyways you know what I do
in the dream next?
TONY
You propose?
CHARLIE
(after a pause)
No. I die.
TONY
But Charlie, you’re a normal suburban
guy at heart, from a normal suburban
family. Didn’t you tell me you always
wanted to get married and have a
family.
CHARLIE
Yes, but, I’m afraid, okay? There
are seven main rites of passage in a
man’s life. Birth, first day of
school, last day of school. Marriage.
Kids. Retirement. Death. I’m at
marriage. I’m two rites of passage
away from death.
TONY
I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening.
Tony is doing three-sixties, scoping out beauties, when
suddenly his roving eyes lock on a police car directly behind
them. He slouches down into his seat.
TONY
Christ. It’s the cops.
CHARLIE
Tony, you are a cop.
TONY
I know. Isn’t it awful? I work with
those guys. They’re assholes.
The police car passes.
INT. SPILETTI’S COFFEE HOUSE - NIGHT
Tony and Charlie enter. There is a poet on stage. The club
is full of art tarts and college bohemians. They are greeted
by the club’s owner, GIUSEPPI, an Italian man in his fifties.
TONY
Salve zio mio.
UNCLE
Allora? Che catzo fai, Charlie?
CHARLIE
Hi, Uncle Giuseppi.
UNCLE
Tony, come’ stai bello il tuo pappa
e’ in galera per la terza volta.
Tony’s uncle shows them to a table.
UNCLE
I’ll have the waitress bring you
cappuccino.
CHARLIE
What did your uncle say?
TONY
He says my Dad’s back in jail again.
CHARLIE
Ah, I’m sorry, man.
TONY
You know, it’s funny I don’t even
feel related to my parents anymore.
I feel like your mom and dad are
more like my parents. I feel more
Scottish than Italian.
CHARLIE
Tony Spiletti, I don’t think you
could get more Italian than that.
Unless of course your name was Tony
Italian Guy.
Charlie checks out the girls in the coffee bar.
CHARLIE
I’m so bummed. Sherri was great,
wasn’t she? I’m an asshole, aren’t
I?
TONY
Yes.
CHARLIE
You’ve got to help me get through
this night.
TONY
You’ve just got to get back on the
horse.
The waitress arrives with two cappuccinos in extremely large
cups like they have in France.
CHARLIE
Waitress, I’m sorry, there seems to
be a mistake. I ordered the large
cappuccino.
Two girls at a nearby table, laugh. Charlie and Tony exchange,
"This could be promising." looks.
CHARLIE
(to the girls)
Do you think these cups could be
larger? They’re practically bowls.
The girls laugh again.
CHARLIE
I feel like I’m having Campbell’s
Cuppuccino.
TONY
Join us in a cup of coffee? There’s
enough room?
GIRLS
Sure!
The girls come over.
SUSAN
My name’s Susan and this is June. We
think you’re funny.
TONY
My name’s Tony. This is my friend
Charlie.
CHARLIE
Look, Tony, I’m going home. See you
later, girls.
Tony grabs him and pulls him aside.
TONY
You really don’t understand, do you?
When a girl comes over to your table
and says, ’I think you’re funny.’ It
means you’ve pretty much been given
the keys to the city. Charlie, this
is big.
CHARLIE
Perhaps you’ve confused me with
someone who gives a shit. Here’s
what’s gonna happen, Tony. We’ll end
up going out with them tonight, maybe
even home with them. Well go out for
two months. Soon she’ll move in,
we’ll be happy, She’ll want more of
a commitment. I’ll be terrified and
I’ll do something to ruin it. Just
like I did with Sherri.
He leaves. Tony is left with the two girls.
JUNE
Poor, guy... He seemed so nice.
TONY
(talking, choked up)
I just broke up with somebody as
well. She left me high and dry.
The girls try to comfort him.
INT. CHARLIE’S APARTMENT
Three quarters of the furnishings and items have disappeared
with Sherri. Charlie sits dejectedly on the floor over his
Poetry Journal. He is missing Sherri. We see...
CHARLIE’S FACE
He looks out and is struck by an idea and begins to write.
ANGLE ON THE JOURNAL
I AM LONELY
CHARLIE’S FACE
Again he looks out, finds his inspiration and continues to
write
IN THE JOURNAL
IT’S REALLY HARD
CHARLIE’S FACE
A gentle tear rolls down his left cheek. He pauses, then
finishes off the stanza.
IN THE JOURNAL
THIS POEM SUCKS
After the last line he scratches out the entire poem. He
closes the book and turns on the TV set to CNN to veg out.
The show is "What’s Cooking! With Burt Wolf."
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREET
Charlie is driving in his car. He drives slowly looking for
an address. Finds it, slips in to a parking spot in front.
EXT. BUTCHER’S SHOP - MEATS OF THE WORLD
Adorning the front are a "GRAND OPENING" sign and miniature
flags of the world. Charlie goes inside.
INT. BUTCHER’S SHOP
It’s a small, hip shop selling specialty meats from around
the world. Charlie looks around. Suddenly, an attractive
woman in her late twenties, wearing a blood-stained smock
enters. It is HARRIET MICHAELS. She has a cleaver in one
hand and something bloody in the other.
HARRIET
(angry)
Goddamn shoplifter.
(conscious of Charlie’s
presence; holding up
bloody meat)
But I got him!
(smiles)
You’re next.
CHARLIE
(backing out the door;
terrified)
I’ve come at a bad time.
HARRIET
No stay!
CHARLIE
No, no, really... Obviously you’ve
got things you have to do. You’ve
got to dismember the rest of his
bloody torso. Dig a makeshift shallow
grave. Cover the body with quick
lime. Really so much to do, so little
time and I’m only in the way here,
I’m just gonna go. Good luck.
HARRIET
(referring to meat in
hand)
Oh, this! Oh, no, this is what he
stole. This isn’t a piece of him or
anything. This is Icelandic Shank.
CHARLIE
I bet it goes well with a nice
Chianti. Fittfittfitt.
HARRIET
(laughs)
Can I help you?
CHARLIE
Yes. Do you have haggis?
HARRIET
Yes, we do. It’s over here in our
Scottish Cuts section. One?
This is a section under glass flying a Scottish flag, with
haggis and various cuts of Scottish meat.
CHARLIE
Yes! I’ve never been able to find
haggis anywhere, except at my parents’
house. They’re Scottish.
Harriet rounds the counter and wraps up the haggis. Behind
her is the large "PRUSSIAN VENISON" sign.
HARRIET
(ringing up his order)
That’ll be fifteen, seventy-nine.
Will there be anything else?
CHARLIE
Yes. I know it’s a long shot, but
you wouldn’t by any chance happen to
have any Prussian Venison?
HARRIET
Now where in the world would I get
Prussian Venison?
Charlie’s charmed.
EXT. SAN FRANCISCO STREET
Charlie is driving along listening to Kerouac. We absorb the
flavor of San Francisco as he drives down Lombard Street.
EXT. CHARLIE’S PARENTS’ APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
An old crappie apartment building in San Francisco. Charlie’s
car pulls up. We hear "SATURDAY NIGHT" by the Bay City
Rollers.
INT. OUTER HALLWAY OF CHARLIE’S PARENTS’ APARTMENT - NIGHT
Charlie approaches a door.
CHARLIE
(calling up)
Mom, Dad, I’m here.
STUART (O.S.)
We’re in here, son.
The apartment is a shrine to Scotland. Scottish paraphernalia,
miniature Scotty dogs, shortbread tins and, on wall, framed
pictures depict famous Scotsmen, Sean Connery, Jackie Stewart,
Alexander Graham Bell, James Doohan (Scottie from "Star
Trek"), Sheena Easton, Billy Connolly.
CHARLIE’S POV - AS WE ENTER THE LIVING ROOM
We see STUART, MAY, TONY, and little WILLIAM, Charlie’s
fourteen year old little brother all singing:
ALL
(singing)
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y... NIGHT
STUART
(noticing Charlie)
Come give your old man a kiss or
I’ll kick your teeth in.
The group are eating dinner on TV trays. Charlie walks over
and turns off the record.
MAY
Charlie, put on Charlie Pride, would
ya? Oh, I love Charlie Pride.
(begins singing; in
thick Scottish accent)
HEY, DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD...
STUART
May, shut it.
STUART MACKENZIE is in his late fifties, a butcher, with
Coke bottle glasses and thick head of black hair. His red-
haired wife, MAY, is in her fifties, attractive with a soft,
but tough appearance. Little WILLIAM, has a very large head
and a skinny neck. Like Charlie, he was born in America.
Charlie gives his Mom a hug, his father a kiss.
CHARLIE
Hey, William.
WILLIAM
(on his stomach on
the floor; watching
TV)
Hey, Charlie.
STUART
SCORES! MAGIC GOAL!
On the television, Stuart’s team, Glasgow Celtic, has scored.
TONY
Aye -- magic.
STUART
Let’s have a look at the re-play.
William, move your head. Look at the
size of that ooy’s heed. I’m not
kidding. It’s like an orange on a
tooth pick.
MAY
Stuart, you’re going to give the boy
a complex.
STUART
I’m not kidding. That’s a huge
noggin’. It has it’s own weather
system. It’s a virtual planetoid.
(shouting to William)
Heed! Move!
We see the re-play of the goal on TV. Tony sits down and May
brings over a plate of stew and three types of potatoes,
piled very high.
MAY
Is that enough potatoes, Charlie?
CHARLIE
Enough to recreate Devil’s Tower in
"Close Encounters".
STUART
(sniffs the air)
Do I smell haggis?
CHARLIE
Aye, you do.
MAY
(taking it)
I’ll put it in the frig.
Charlie notices Tony reading some papers. He realizes it’s
literature from the Lyndon H. LaRouche Society.
CHARLIE
Dad, what are you doing to Tony now?
Why do you abuse his mind like this?
STUART
That’s the latest report from Lyndon
H. LaRouche, outlining how the Queen
and the Rothschilds masterminded the
Soviet overthrow, so that they could
reclaim lands they had annexed during
the Holy Roman Empire.
TONY
(goading Charlie)
You know a lot of this makes sense.
CHARLIE
I think you’re suffering from the
Stockholm Syndrome, where the hostages
start to relate to their captors.
STUART
Listen, Sonny Jim, it’s a known fact
there’s a society of the five
wealthiest people in the world, called
the Pentaverate, who run everything
and meet three times a year at a
secret country mansion in Colorado,
known as "The Meadows."
CHARLIE
(sarcastic)
And that’s obviously why we haven’t
heard about it in the newspapers.
STUART
(inappropriately angry
& loud)
That’s right. They fuckin’ own the
papers, smartass. And everything
else. Why do you think Scotland’s
not been able to get independence?
Because the Queen the Pentavirate
and those English dome heads in West
Minster won’t have it.
CHARLIE
Who are the other members of this
pentaverate?
STUART
The Queen, the Rothchilds, the Gettys,
the Vatican, and Colonel Sanders
before he went tits up. Oh, I hated
the Colonel with his wee beady eyes.
And that smug look on his face.
CHARLIE
Dad how can you hate "the Colonel?"
STUART
Because the Colonel puts an addictive
chemical in it that makes you crave
it fortnightly.
CHARLIE
Interesting... coo-coo
MAY
Would anyone like a juice? Charlie,
did I tell you, we bought a Juice
Tiger?
CHARLIE
A Juice Tiger?
MAY
Aye, it’s a juicer. It’s part of my
National Enquirer, Garth Brooks diet.
Would you like potato juice?
CHARLIE
Thank you, no.
MAY
Sherri’s late.
CHARLIE
Yeah, uh, Sherri and I broke up.
MAY
Oh, you didn’t. Sherri was the
daughter your father was never able
to give me.
CHARLIE
I’m just not ready for marriage. I’m
twenty-nine and my poems haven’t
even been published yet.
STUART
But it’s not just the poetry is it
son? You’re afraid if you get married
you’ll lose your muse. Look at me, I
was a strapping young butcher, at
the height of my creative powers.
When it came to de-boning a side of
beef, there was nobody that could
touch me. Then I married your mother.
And people would still stand in awe
as I filleted a shoulder of lamb.
MAY
Maybe it’s just as well not to get
married, look at the news. Where did
I put it?
STUART
Heed. Move that melon of yours into
the bathroom and get the paper for
your mother.
William gets the National Enquirer and brings it back.
CHARLIE
That’s not news, Dad. That’s bullshit.
I wouldn’t wipe my ass with that
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